#3 The Prius

"Guys, I'll drive! I have a Prius!" These immortal words have begun many a jaunt in Johnny Buccola's Seaside Pearl Toyota Prius. Always an eager beaver, Mr. Buccola uses his car's absurdly efficient gas mileage as a rationale for chauffeuring all of his friends around. When Johnny first announced that his boisterous and conservative father had bought him a highly sought after brand-spanking-new Prius, many laughed. The public found humor in the delicious irony of a family of strict conservatives snapping up this fashionable tree-hugger's automobile. However, the joke was on them, as the Prius went on to become the cornerstone of Johnny's identity.

While one might assume that the Prius was symbolic of a fundamental change in Johnny's ethos, it was in fact a justification for numerous other environmental transgressions, including, but not limited to: littering out the window of his Prius, having a personal family dumpster in front of their Fairwood home, never recycling, frequently wearing the furs of endangered animals, the burning of forests, and the heartless and brutal slaying of a family of innocent ptarmigan. When committing these environmental faux pas, Johnny would simply state, "It's OK, I have a Prius," and all would be forgotten. Thus, his vehicle came to embody the very essence of Johnny Buccola- a conservative in a Prius. A walking contradiction. For unlike most people, Johnny's personal and consumer choices are seemingly devoid of any ideological basis, and are, as far as anyone can tell, completely random.

Johnny cherishes each little detail of the Prius, delighting in showing his passengers the futuristic GPS system and the ever joy-inducing "B Mode." Johnny never misses a moment to deploy B Mode, a feature designed to maximize fuel efficiency. While fuel efficiency is a matter of grave environmental importance to some, it is, like so many other things, a mere game to Johnny Buccola.

Johnny's love of the Prius has proven to be contagious. In the heights of teenage ecstasy following one high school dance, Johnny converted his Prius into a parade float, packing the roof with exuberant revelers. Over-exuberant, perhaps. As the Prius rolled around the parking lot, windows down, packed to the gills, blasting "Don't Stop Believing," a terrible tragedy was in progress. Beneath this festive façade, the roof of the helpless Prius buckled under the pressure, sustaining thousands in damage. This instance, like so many others, is indicative of Johnny's boundless generosity. He gives and gives until he has nothing left, never once thinking of himself - and that is the true spirit of the Prius.