#5 This

Johnny Buccola likes this.

Log on to the popular social networking site Facebook.com and you will surely notice that Johnny is blazing a trail at the forefront of a hot new trend in egotistical buffoonery: he 'likes' everything he does. Fairly recently, Facebook introduced a groundbreaking feature in which users could 'like' any posting on the site, allowing users to show their support for the photographs and postings of their friends. Johnny perverts this cordial gesture of digital encouragement into a means of tooting his own horn. The 'status update' already functions on a basic and vainglorious assumption that everyone gives a fuck about what you are thinking or doing at all times. Johnny's 'self-liking' strategy ratchets up the pomposity of this already self-promotional act, informing other users that he's really into himself and he isn't afraid to shout it out from the mountaintops.


This revolutionary use of the 'like' button has sparked a raging debate among a broad spectrum of Facebook users. Some Facebookworms, baffled by the absurdity of the practice of 'self-liking', have lashed out at Mr. Buccola, heaping opprobrium upon the young innovator. A supposed Facebook "friend" of Johnny's, Max Altshuld, who is an idiot, exemplifies the position of the philistines: "you liked your own comment weirdo." Spearheading the opposition party in this veritable cultural clash is Matt Pavlik who, unlike Altshuld, knows what's good. Pavlik, a longtime schoolmate and crony of Mr. Buccola's, recognizes that inanity and confidence are at the core of Johnny's character in his assertion that, "Johnny's known for liking himself." Fight on, Matt Pavlik, fight on.


But yes, dear readers, what is Johnny's soul composed of if not inanity, absurdity, self absorption, gun-sticking-to, actual guns and Jesus? Why can't a man like himself? Why must we hide our pride? Every day, Johnny teaches us how to believe in ourselves and be proud of who we are. As Johnny will tell you, others will have a hard time liking you until you can grow to truly like yourself, both literally and figuratively.

#4 T-Pain

When a young man goes away to college, society expects him to return changed. New clothes, new ideas, new interests, even a new-found sexuality. Johnny Buccola returned from his freshman year at Santa Clara wearing the same clothes, bearing the same ideas, maintaining the same interests, and still claiming to like girls. However, one thing had changed: Jonathan Isaac Buccola came back from college and he liked T-Pain.

T-Pain, real name Faheem Rasheed Najm, also known as T, Tally Pain, Tallahassee Pain, The Tallahassee Hero, Teddy Pain, Teddy Penderazoun, Teddy Penderass, Teddy Verseti, and Mr. Dountoun, is an unreasonably popular R&B singer (if you can call him that) from the mean streets of Tallahassee. He gained fame for his abilities as a songwriter and his devotion to the voice manipulation program Auto-Tune, which allows you to sing even if you have no fucking talent, provided that you don't mind sounding like a robot.

As T-Pain is dedicated to the Auto-Tune, so is Johnny dedicated to T-Pain. When he first introduced his friends to T-Pain, the "rappa ternt sanga" only had one song on the radio and was not the omnipresent musical force he is today. Johnny, enamored with the young sanga, was ahead of his time. His friends scoffed at the cheesy, robotic musings of the Nappy Boy, including corny songs such as "Ridge Road" and "I'm Hi (feat. Styles P)". These particular jams, it is important to note, are the 16th and 17th tracks on his debut album, respectively. This clearly indicates a vast familiarity with T-Pain's catalogue. Few have survived through the entirety of "Rappa Ternt Sanga" or its successor "Epiphany," but Johnny Buccola has accomplished each staggering feat numerous times, discovering the deep cuts on both albums. When Johnny Buccola first played T-Pain for his friends, they hated T-Pain. Johnny kept playing T-Pain. Then they found T-Pain mediocre. Johnny kept playing T-Pain. They admitted they kinda liked T-Pain. Johnny kept playing T-Pain... they all loved T-Pain.

Johnny Buccola's adoration of T-Pain stayed steadfast through the seemingly insurmountable waves of criticism from his peers, showing a moral commitment to "sticking to his guns." Johnny recognizes that T-Pain has mastered the difficult skill of being both a musical genius and a talentless waste of sound waves - he is truly an idiot savant. Time and time again, Johnny has brought something simultaneously awful and awesome to the table, including, but not limited to: T-Pain, cheesy dogs, MD 20/20, Alien Versus Predator, tuxedo shirts, orienteering, ass funneling, girls with lower back tattoos, monster truck rallies, and Jesus. We challenge you to go out into the world and experience something awful every day, because as Johnny has shown us... it might just turn out to be awesome.

For more on T-Pain:

Time Machine
Yo Stomach
I Got It
Show U How

#3 The Prius

"Guys, I'll drive! I have a Prius!" These immortal words have begun many a jaunt in Johnny Buccola's Seaside Pearl Toyota Prius. Always an eager beaver, Mr. Buccola uses his car's absurdly efficient gas mileage as a rationale for chauffeuring all of his friends around. When Johnny first announced that his boisterous and conservative father had bought him a highly sought after brand-spanking-new Prius, many laughed. The public found humor in the delicious irony of a family of strict conservatives snapping up this fashionable tree-hugger's automobile. However, the joke was on them, as the Prius went on to become the cornerstone of Johnny's identity.

While one might assume that the Prius was symbolic of a fundamental change in Johnny's ethos, it was in fact a justification for numerous other environmental transgressions, including, but not limited to: littering out the window of his Prius, having a personal family dumpster in front of their Fairwood home, never recycling, frequently wearing the furs of endangered animals, the burning of forests, and the heartless and brutal slaying of a family of innocent ptarmigan. When committing these environmental faux pas, Johnny would simply state, "It's OK, I have a Prius," and all would be forgotten. Thus, his vehicle came to embody the very essence of Johnny Buccola- a conservative in a Prius. A walking contradiction. For unlike most people, Johnny's personal and consumer choices are seemingly devoid of any ideological basis, and are, as far as anyone can tell, completely random.

Johnny cherishes each little detail of the Prius, delighting in showing his passengers the futuristic GPS system and the ever joy-inducing "B Mode." Johnny never misses a moment to deploy B Mode, a feature designed to maximize fuel efficiency. While fuel efficiency is a matter of grave environmental importance to some, it is, like so many other things, a mere game to Johnny Buccola.

Johnny's love of the Prius has proven to be contagious. In the heights of teenage ecstasy following one high school dance, Johnny converted his Prius into a parade float, packing the roof with exuberant revelers. Over-exuberant, perhaps. As the Prius rolled around the parking lot, windows down, packed to the gills, blasting "Don't Stop Believing," a terrible tragedy was in progress. Beneath this festive façade, the roof of the helpless Prius buckled under the pressure, sustaining thousands in damage. This instance, like so many others, is indicative of Johnny's boundless generosity. He gives and gives until he has nothing left, never once thinking of himself - and that is the true spirit of the Prius.

#2 Fairwood, WA

Fairwood is far from fucking everywhere. Johnny Buccola grew up in this quaint little piece of unincorporated King County, Washington that is almost part of Renton. It may be useful to note that Fairwood is a developed housing community organized around a golf course, with a richly diverse population that is almost entirely white.

The safe and secure boundaries of Fairwood sheltered Johnny from the corrupting influence of the outside world, namely liberals and minorities. In this cocoon of a community, Johnny studied hard at school and at church, growing into a healthy and well-adjusted young lad.

As the years went by, his venerable parents realized that their boy needed to go out into the world to search for meaning, much as the young Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha) needed to leave his life of opulence to find enlightenment. Johnny found himself attending a snooty private school nearly an hour away, infested with liberals and plagued by minorities. Conservative estimates put the school's white population at an appallingly low 70%. Teased mercilessly by his classmates for his allegedly rustic and backward upbringing, he became a man of two worlds, able to effortlessly blend in with high-society liberals and yet stay true to his down-home Fairwood ways.

Though his classmates continued to be wary of Fairwood, Johnny played the part of ambassador, bringing legions of friends down to stay at his home for cross-cultural experiences. He lured these young and impressionable Seattleites down with the promise of a safe space where they could experiment with drugs, sex, and alcohol - for the parenting culture of Fairwood decrees that children can do whatever the fuck they want to in a consequence-free environment. Even girls can sleep over!

Fairwood, Washington. Overlooked by some, scorned by many, it turned out to be the perfect place for a young whippersnapper like Johnny Buccola to blossom. The distance, though daunting at first, proved to be a blessing in disguise. Fairwood became to Johnny and his friends both a safe haven and a veritable Vegas of Renton, Washington. A place where youth were forced to go big or go all the fucking way back home. As innumerable scholars, politicians, and patriarchs have proclaimed, "What happens in Fairwood stays in Fairwood."

#1 Cheesy Dogs

Johnny Buccola loves meat. Johnny Buccola loves cheese. These two things find their perfect synthesis in Johnsonville's Beddar Cheddar hot dogs. Johnny will often insist upon "firing up some cheesy dogs" during popular Johnny Buccola activities including, but not limited to: Lake Chelan, "hanging out," barbecues, and potluck dinners.

Friends and associates of Jonathan are generally skeptical upon examining these culinary perversions, but are won over by Johnny's sheer enthusiasm for them and the surprising blast of cheese bestowed upon one's pallet when biting this sausage treat.

Some argue that the Beddar Cheddar is not unlike Johnny himself. At first glance, you might say to yourself, "look, that kid is short and funny looking and from Fairwood, and that's not even a real moustache on his face." And maybe you're right. But underneath all of that there exists a kind, welcoming, fun-loving human being just "trying to hang out."

We urge you look past the seemingly disgusting concept of the Beddar Cheddar dog and discover its warm, cheesy heart. Why? Because Johnny would want you to. Because Johnny looks past the apparent cruelty of our world and sees the pearl in every oyster, the diamond in every rough, the silver lining in every cloud, and the heart of gold in every hooker.